““For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.””
Jeremiah 29:11 NLT
I guess for each of us passing through tough times we legitimately consider the question, “What’s this all about?” Suffering appears senseless and certainly my inability to solve Katey’s MS left me feeling wretched. It was my most disempowering experience to date and left me feeling worse than useless. These feelings birthed the anger and readiness to strike out and blame others for our situation, God included.
As my bad behaviours slowly wrecked my standing within the evangelical world within which I served, I equally lost confidence in myself. Self-respect drained from me. Now not only was I angry but also self-critical. This negative self-image that emerged clouded my perspective on everyone and everything. I just dragged all and sundry down with my critical comments and bitter spirit. Yet, God never abandoned me. It took time to move from a cynical consideration of God’s purpose in my life, to a mental attitude that had the ambition and resilience to reconnect with such a purpose. Of course, the purpose was transformed. I no longer sought self-authentication through platform or invitation. Now I found my fullest expression of self-identity in Jesus and God’s way.
My initial assumption that I would steward this through the path that I’d followed into Katey’s illness was misplaced. Initially confused, and my anger reignited, through the perceived rejection by my peers, I paused and consulted God.
Now I had to engage in the hard work both of listening to God and reinventing myself. While also broken through Katey’s illness, I discovered in fact that I was far more broken through the sense of indignant rejection I entertained from a family I assumed might help me back into the game. Yet, I learned very slowly this was no game I needed to be in. Part of the challenge in getting to that point was to discover my self-esteem once again; learn to trust and invest in myself, especially in light of the fact that God already did.
QUESTION
Take time to reflect upon your confidence in God’s ability to speak and guide you.
PRAYER
Lord, let your plans and not my ambitions determine my life.